


Rationality

by ChaoticDepths



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A little jealousy, Changkyun And Jooheon Are Besties Ofc, Complete, Gen, Heavy Angst, Jooheon Is Stressed, Kihyun Kinda Hates Jooheon, Lies, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Lim Changkyun | I.M, Oneshot, References to Depression, Sad Lim Changkyun | I.M, Sick Yoo Kihyun, kihyun is jealous, monsta x - Freeform, my first fic here halp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 13:38:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15074315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticDepths/pseuds/ChaoticDepths
Summary: It's during the darker parts of the night that Kihyun feels calmer and rational enough to think.ORJooheon always reminds Kihyun to take his medicines, and Kihyun both hates him and his habit. But he doesn't stop no matter how much Kihyun tells him to, until one day he finally breaks it down for him.





	Rationality

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on AO3, hope y'all like it. I write regularly on the Monbebe Amino app (English) and was given a prompt for this ficlet.
> 
> PROMPT:  
> Person A doesn't like Person B. They really don't know why they can't stand them.  
> Person B knows this and does any and everything to stay close to Person A.

For Yoo Kihyun, Lee Jooheon was something unbearable; like a constant, irritating itch he couldn’t scratch but had to bear lest he pulled open a scab. If there was no scab, Kihyun would have itched him away, but then again, if there was no scab, Jooheon wouldn’t have been the itch in the first place.

Jooheon being what he was to Kihyun really wasn’t his fault, something Kihyun would quietly admit to himself, during the darker part of night when he was calmer, more rational. But how was he to have known that when Jooheon moved in with him as his dorm mate, he would bring along the squishiest ball of existence ever? One with the most breathtaking dimples that popped out on the slightest twitch of lips, one with such an attitude that Kihyun might have banished him from his apartment, had it not been for that soulful pout?

Well, that was what Lim Changkyun was to Kihyun. More or less a miracle, his miracle, to be exact; an angel disguised as a demon. Or vice versa; with Changkyun, Kihyun was on a constant rollercoaster. The boy was unpredictable and crazy, but at the end of the day, Kihyun’s, after all.

So to put it shortly, Yoo Kihyun only put up with Lee Jooheon because Lim Changkyun was the former’s boyfriend and the latter’s best friend.

And Kihyun, well, could get jealous.

As Jooheon’s new dorm mate, he had first-hand experience seeing just how exactly those two clicked or were joined at the hip. How many times had he witnessed Changkyun not even coming inside, but standing on the road to yell something intelligible at Jooheon’s window, whereupon the older would understand a whole conversation in that word and rush out with no sense of self? How many times had Jooheon sneaked out at midnight to grab McDonald’s for Changkyun? How many times had Changkyun turned up with McDonald’s for Jooheon? At three am?

And for that matter, how many times had Jooheon begged Kihyun into cooking comfort food for Changkyun, whenever he turned up quivering silently, because his report card had come in and his parents were less than pleased?

It had been okay up till then, because up till then Kihyun was still trying to convince himself that his feelings were platonic and had no hope of them being reciprocated. That Changkyun just needed some steadiness in his life, that he probably couldn’t handle a relationship right then.

So it was okay for Jooheon to use Kihyun as a stress reliever, for him to tell him quietly over cooking that Changkyun managed to scrape a C in Calculus. It was okay for Kihyun to hear the silent message the younger had conveyed. It was okay that Kihyun had seen how hard Changkyun had worked and how Jooheon had pulled all nighters with him in the living room, that he’d fallen asleep listening to Changkyun’s tense rote learning and sleep cracked voice deciphering numbers and equations.

It was okay for him to make a pot of Changkyun’s favorite beef soup. It would be much later when he learned that Jooheon had left later that day for a while so Changkyun could pull Kihyun into a timid kiss when he asked if he’d like that soup he’d made just for him.

Amidst those kisses and stolen touches, Kihyun told him it would be okay.

It wasn’t.

Shortly after, Kihyun found himself lying in a puddle of his own puke, the world a mass of shifting and sliding objects before him. The doctor said he’d suffered from vertigo, and would have to take a lifelong supplement of pills to keep his blood from thickening, lest they blocked his arteries again. Changkyun’s visits grew frequent, the anxious mess that he was. He fussed over Kihyun, and Kihyun kept him stretched, the irrational mess he was. He would snap, unable to bear the burn in his chest he felt whenever he saw Changkyun with Jooheon. He slid him poisonous words, gave him large bouts of silent treatment, showed him the steel of his eyes. Later on he would kiss apologies into his skin, during the parts of the night when he felt rational. Because Kihyun, at the end, knew he was wrong. But this venomous jealousy inside him hissed to be sated, and he found himself giving in more and more. Changkyun simply endured, matching his attacks with cool levelheaded words that served to infuriate him further and accepting his apologies with the dimpled smile he knew Kihyun loved so much. The older kept him torn between him and Jooheon, but Changkyun paid no heed, even when Kihyun found he could no longer shield his eyes in front of Jooheon.

Because Changkyun was still full of snarky attitude and knew that two could play at Kihyun’s game. He wouldn’t give him what he wanted, because what Kihyun wanted was irrational. And Kihyun knew that.

And Jooheon remained a silent victim throughout, watching Kihyun destroy himself with each day. Watching jealousy eat him away inside out. Three years on Kihyun is still abusing himself and everyone around him emotionally and Changkyun is still enduring, because he knows this isn’t who Kihyun is, that his Kihyun is still there, in the flashes of coherency he sees in the darker parts of the night. He loves Kihyun, even when rage clouds his face and when they clear to reveal the now weary and battered man he loves.

Meanwhile, Jooheon simply does what he always has ever since Kihyun fell: placing his medicine beside his mug at breakfast and pretending he doesn’t see his fingers twitch. Yoo Kihyun is a man who likes to get his things done himself. He finds his medicine restocked magically and by his bedside or on the table. And this ‘magic’ is what he swears will kill him of anger issues, because somewhere deep inside, he knows that without Jooheon he most definitely would forget about his medication. It is this ugly, deplorable truth that Kihyun cannot bear, that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He hates being dependent.

And of all people, he’s dependent on Lee Jooheon. Without ever asking for it.

And the boy doesn’t stop! He has purposely made Kihyun this way, and he seethes at the thought. On his worse days, he’s gone outright and told him to stop poking his nose into his meds. On his more rational ones, he drops less than subtle hints.

But Jooheon sticks on, deaf to the older. And the very fact that it’s Jooheon and no one else is what drives Kihyun to half madness.

Which is why he lashes out and sends his breakfast flying, along with the leaf of pills Jooheon has just dropped there, all over the kitchen one morning. It’s not like it’s the first time, but it hasn’t happened often enough either, so Jooheon gasps in shock, frozen as Kihyun’s ears redden.

The last of glass and ceramic tinkles to silence and he spits:

“How many times have I told you to stop helping me?!”

Jooheon clenches his jaw, swallows, and speaks steadily. “Sit down, hyung, I’ll clean that up.”

It’s the same thing again. As if Changkyun’s trained Jooheon how to act too. Kihyun’s breathing quivers.

“What did I just ask you? Answer me.”

"What's it that you want the answer to, hyung?" Jooheon asks quietly. Yet the world trembles under his voice.

"Stop it!" Kihyun bursts, abruptly leaping to his feet. "Why do you both do this to me?! You. Never. Answer me! First it was just Changkyun and now you too!" his chest heaves, watching the younger simply stare at him, expression unreadable.

"Just stop trying to take care of me," he gasps, suddenly so weary of repeating himself over and over. "How many times, Jooheon? How many times do I have to say it? You just brush me off....just like Changkyun."  
"What's going on?"

Kihyun turns his head sharply to see Changkyun standing against the door frame, probably having let himself in with the duplicate keys Kihyun gifted him a couple years ago. He's achingly beautiful, with his brown hair mussed up like he's rolled out of bed and simply slid into his hoodie and jeans just for Kihyun's cooking.

He makes Kihyun feel a bit more rational.

"Kyunnie," he murmurs warmly, despite the younger's anxious eyes at the sight before him. Kihyun's already smiling. "You're early..."

He doesn't hear Jooheon scrambling behind him as he starts to go to the youngest. Changkyun, however, gasps and presses himself against the door frame as the knife arcing through the air misses him narrowly, clattering and skidding out of sight. Kihyun gasps and whips around to see Jooheon panting, eyes murderous. In shock, he turns to check if Changkyun's okay--only to find he's gone.

Along with Kihyun's rationality.

"LEE FUCKING JOOHEON--"

He sees red, he rushes, but the stronger of the two grabs his shoulders and pins him against the wall, frothing at the mouth.

"You're the one who needs to stop it, hyung," he yells, and Kihyun flinches in surprise. Jooheon's eyes are glistening yet on fire.

"I was never taking care of you!" he shouts, fingers digging into his shoulders. It's a pain that kind of shocks Kihyun into reality.

"I was never trying to help. I'm only doing this for Changkyun," he spits, each word weighed down with pain. He knows there's only so much truth Kihyun can handle, that he must lie to him so he can hear the more important one. Before the older can react he goes on:

"You know he loves you, hyung. He asked me to always look out for you. And he's my best friend--my brother," Jooheon wills his voice not to crack. "I'm doing this for him."

He swallows the sob stuck in his throat, looking Kihyun right in the eye.

"And you know he's dead, hyung. Changkyun's not coming over. He never did. So just stop it."

With that he turns and leaves, struggling to get past the door and outside and running. He lets his tears run freely down his face, because there's only so much he can take. Feeding Kihyun lies, because he's too fragile to believe Jooheon will always be there for him. Kihyun refusing to let go of Changkyun, Kihyun living off hallucinations, Kihyun striking him with himself and memories of Changkyun everyday...

...Changkyun finally jumping into the sea for his body to never be found, because there's only so much he could take.

The world is black and white and splashed with grey, truths twining with lies, reality yoking with mentality. What is right is wrong; everything's gone off course.

Kihyun waits. And waits. But Changkyun doesn't come. Doesn't answer the phone. His number comes off as unregistered. So Kihyun waits, until the darkest part of the night, when he's most rational. He waits, even though he's rational enough to remember that his pills contain olanzapine, that it's been three years, that it wasn't really vertigo.

He waits, even though he's rational enough to know there isn't much rationality left to his life anymore. Changkyun was all he had.

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clear up somethings:  
> 1\. Changkyun committed suicide because of his parents' pressure on him towards his education, not Kihyun.  
> 2\. Olanzapine is a drug commonly present in schizophrenic drugs.


End file.
